Friday, June 22, 2007

People Suck

The mornings where I wake up and suddenly realise that I hate people and the world in general are frequent these days. Well at least I know what Osama and the Saddam used to feel like before their morning coffee. The world sucks. And I'm not saying that because I am full of angst or driven by negative impulses, well actually I am, it's just that surviving alone in this day and age, is rather pointless. You're born, you grow up, and you die. Good god, what a farkin concept.

Of course the stuff in between makes up for it, but those days are few and far in between especially when you take into account all the farked up people you meet on a daily basis. I say farked, because well they are.

It would seem the world or at least mine anyway is filled with insincere ass wipes and backstabbers who go out of their way to make life miserable or all the little harder for you. And why do they do that? Well for one, they're just idiots, two suffered from a poor upbringing or three, probably gay (yes yes..the fact that you queer ones are offended by that remark means there is some truth to it) and last but not least my personal favourite, they're born with the obsessive need that states their problem is always bigger than anyone else’s.

These insecure ones are the ones you need to steer clear off and I am betting right now that you probably identified a few in your office. And they're probably your bosses. You know the type, they go around preaching the word about washing your cups, and using recycled paper and how their two brilliant ideas should be awarded a Pulitzer because it just shaved a few cents off the office budget and saved the environment too. They’re also the ones that come up with extremely bad ideas and quick to finger point the blame to someone else as soon as afore mentioned idea fails yet again for the 10,000 time.

The need to justify their existence and importance are what drives these deadly scum sucking ones around and you've got only two options in order to stay completely out of harms way. Either get with the programme, lower your own self esteem, and play along or get the hell away from them as fast as you can. I am a strong advocator of the latter which is actually not a good choice seeing that I am into my 6th job in the last four years. Ah well, at least my pride is intact.

Thursday, June 21, 2007


If there is one thing good about being born a man is that, we're not subjected to a monthly menstruation cycle. Well at least not personally anyway. However, contrary to popular belief, and much of womankind, men also go through a monthly syndrome or hormonal imbalance. After all, why shouldn’t we? So what if we were born without a uterus, this is after all the age of equal rights and its only fair that we too get a 'get out of jail card' every month with the only difference being we don't bleed in the process. Thankfully.

It may seem like hogwash that men too suffer from PMS but scientists, most likely post-cold war Russians, have discovered that men too every now and then suffer from sensitivity, depression, cravings (for beer most of the time) and overall bitchy behaviour. Rubbish, you might say but just ask any woman if she's discovered this odd behaviour pattern from her significant other half and you would probably get a resounding yes. But is this matter something that's been conjured up by Oprah? Better yet, an alpha male somewhere who has discovered a loophole in exploiting womankind’s five-day pass for having a bad attitude.

The cycle is called IMS (Irritable Male Syndrome) and MMS (Monthly Male Syndrome) and it affects men everywhere and not just the ones who are heavy into mobile messaging. Although women and men may argue that IMS or MMS is something that's created to gain more media coverage, sell more books or a range of Amway Health supplements, its common knowledge that men too sometimes wake up in the morning and discover all is not well in the world.

Call it what you want, but I am betting every one of you out there, even the straight ones, have at one time or another have experiences an unwanted bout of short term depression or anger that bears no explanation or even cure. Scientists claim the cause of IMS or MMS is due to lower testosterone levels. But then again, no one is entirely convinced since the study was based upon the observation of deer, reindeer, sheep and elephants during mating season.

Animals and lower testosterone aside though, there is at least some truth to this thing called IMS. There must be, even if it’s just to act as a security blanket for men who cannot seem to find an answer to why they're suddenly depressed when it’s not even the end of the English Premiership Season or why they’re weeping uncontrollably at the end of Brokeback Mountain.

Excuse or not, and I am sympathizing with women here, it is a frightening prospect to be subjected to a multitude of negative emotions. And it’s downright unhealthy too as most of the time IMS risks encroaching into one's life, resulting in total anarchy and disruption of life, career and relationships. It's almost like going through a menstruation cycle without a tampon in sight. Only for men, it’s much much worse.

Because of our Neanderthal type thinking and occasional inability to deal with sensitive issues, men often take the head on approach in dealing with IMS. Call it what you want, but most of us tend to deal with problems by (a) totally ignoring it (b) retreating into a shell (c) escaping on a 'I-need-to-be-alone-to-sort-myself-out' trip or (d) drinking corpus amounts of liquor during happy hour (although this is vaguely subjective).

For those who find themselves in the cross-hairs of a male inflicted with IMS, it would be best to (a) leave him the well alone, (b) buy a few rounds during happy hour or (c) get him to have sex with a supermodel (this is not vaguely subjective). Fortunately, though, there is an answer to cure IMS and fortunately, for men it’s not in a pill or having to stick a tampon up your bum. The answer is, and I'm going to side with the scientists and their lab rats here, is exercise.

Its common knowledge that exercise causes a rise in testosterone levels and if the scientists are spot on it means that getting your ass to the gym, the park or the pitch will most likely cause IMS to go away. This of course bears no basis because I have yet to witness overly depressed sheep, deer or elephants mixing up it up in a five-a-side but it’s certainly food for thought. After all exercise is good for one's health, self-esteem, and it even helps with depression. Ever seen a 100m Women's Olympic Gold Medalist go to a saloon and shave her hair completely bald for no reason? Didn't think so.

Therefore, the next time you're depressed for no reason, take a step back to examine what's the cause of it all. If you’ve discovered that, you have nothing really to be down in the dumps about and your football team still has a shot in the Champions League or you're not really missing Michael Schumacher all that much then you can probably lay the finger on IMS or MMS. If you're still not convinced then no harm done, but think about this, if you've got the case of the blues and if IMS doesn’t exist, and there aren't any scientists or their four legged lab animals around to offer an explanation then what could be the cause of it? Now that’s a depressing thought.